Reflections of Friends Past
by nebula2
Summary: Recovering from the injuries inflicted by Ian Doyle, Emily reflects on those she left behind. Written for " The Theme Song Challenge".


**AN: Written for "The Theme Song Challenge" the prompt is: Emily Prentiss, _"Need You Now"_ by Lady Antebellum**

**Disclaimer: The characters of Criminal Minds are not mine, I'm simply borrowing them for entertainment sake.**

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><p>Rachel Martin sank slowly down in the chair facing the window. Outside, the city of Rome was spread out before her. With a slight groan, she settled back in the chair. Two weeks later, her midsection was still quite sore. ~<em>But then I guess having a piece of wood stabbed into you, followed by surgery you shouldn't expect differently, Emily<em>,~ she thought to herself.

~_No, Rachel_,~ she amended silently. ~_Just like Lauren Reynolds, Emily Prentiss is dead_.~

Yet, she couldn't bring herself to say those words out loud. To do so, would somehow make it too real and she had to admit, she wasn't ready to say good-bye to that identity. It was too hard. Her heart still ached at the thought of the pain she was causing her team and family.

~_Though the team really has become like family to me over the past four years. Family who now believes me dead, expect for Hotch and JJ.~_

She sighed. Somehow it wasn't so hard to kill off Lauren Reynolds as it was Emily. Lauren had been an identity created to do a job. A job she had thought completed until Ian Doyle had escaped and had changed all that. Had turned Emily's life upside down.

~_There, I did it. I thought of myself in the third person,_~ Rachel thought, her eyes still on the cityscape beyond her window.

Though her eyes were on the city of Rome her mind and heart were in another city an ocean away. With the people whom she had been forced to leave behind.

_~There was Aaron Hotchner, who had viewed me with skepticism when I first showed up in his office, paperwork for my transfer to the BAU in hand. The transfer that I had assumed he would have already known about. He may not have realized it, but the fact that he hadn't had been as much a surprise to me as it had been to him. It wasn't until later that I truly understood the circumstances surrounding that skepticism and understood that it had very little to do with me and was more about the politics Hotch was fighting to keep his team together. I had to work hard to earn the same respect and trust that he showed to every member of his team, but I did it. I got him to give me a chance and showed him that profiling wasn't just a 'whirl' for me. Aaron Hotchner is a man who would go to bat for any member of his team, and that is why each and everyone of us respect him and show him that same loyalty in return.~_

_~Then there is JJ, the blonde media liaison that had been forced out of the BAU only months below. If anyone showed more dedication to the job than Hotch, then it was her. The difference was, JJ worked for the people involved. Whether it was smoothing ruffled feathers with the local law enforcement, making sure the proper paperwork was done so the rest of them could do their jobs, dealing with the media and making sure that their thirst for 'the story' didn't interfere with the case, or being their for the victim's families at the worst moment of their lives JJ focused on the people around her. That was what made her such a personable individual. The one that they all knew they could turn to no matter what. Whether it was getting a new teammate orientated to the office and the team, or running interference for one of them, you always knew that JJ was on your side. The blonde had always said that she would do anything to protect her family. She had shot Deputy Jason Clark Battle to protect Penelope and now she had lied to her former teammates, faked a death, and gotten created the new identity of Rachel Martin to protect me. No matter how long I live, I will always be grateful to Jennifer Jareau for that.~_

_~Then there is Rossi. If anyone understood how it felt to come along and try to earn the respect of this team, then it was him. Despite all his experience and the legends surrounding Agent David Rossi, he had to prove himself to the members of the team when he came back to the BAU, just like I had and like me, he had done that and the experience had changed him. Rossi had been a loner when he had joined the team. He had come back with his own agenda, to solve an old case that haunted him. I often felt that had been the turning point for the older profiler. After they had helped him solve that case, Rossi realized that there was something special about this team, just like I had. They were a group that you wanted watching your back because no matter what had happened in the past or what mistakes you made, the team would be there for you. Though he often still tried to appear the part of a loner, deep down that isn't who he was anymore. His experience, wisdom, and calm demeanor often kept the team on an even keel.~_

_~Then there was Seaver, the young agent in training that I fought to get on the team. Who I had taken under her wing for reasons I'm not completely sure of myself. Was it because the young agent was young enough to be the child I hadn't had? Or because I had seen some of herself in the young woman? Whatever the reason, I won't be able to finish guiding her through these early days of her career with the bureau. Would someone else on the team take my place now?~_

Her thoughts fell on Penelope Garcia next, and she couldn't help but find a small smile. _~Garcia, our light in the world of darkness that they worked in. We all count on her to raise our spirits whenever we felt down, and she never failed to. The colors and things she surrounded herself with were her way of letting the sun keep shining in her life, and she made sure she shared that with everyone around her. I know she took Emily's death hard, because Garcia feels things deeply. That's who she is. I also know that she'll grieve in her own way and when she is through doing that, she'll keep me alive in her heart. I can take comfort in the fact that Emily Prentiss won't be forgotten as long as Penelope is around.~_

_~Then there is Derek Morgan. Who ever would have thought the two of us would bond over Vonnegut. That totally blew me away when he recognized the character of Kilgore Trout. Just like that, the door had opened between us and our friendship had gone on to strengthen from there. If I had to pick one word to describe Derek it would be loyal. He didn't let people get close to him easily, but once you do manage to get past his defenses he would be there for you no matter what. Over the years I learned just how deeply committed he is to his job and fiercely protective he is of those close to him. I know he took Emily's death as a personal failure. Felt that he had failed to protect a member of his family. He was the reason she was still here. It had been his words that had kept her fighting after Doyle had stabbed her with the stake. She might never get to tell him how grateful she was for those final moments. To hear him tell her that he understood why she had gone after Doyle on her own and that he was proud of her. Now, I wonder if he would be able to understand this. If I somehow, someday could go back, will he be able to understand why I had faked her death and cause them all so much pain. Somehow, if any of them will understand and be able to forgive her, Morgan will be the one.~ _

_~Just like I fear that Reid won't be able to. Sweet, awkward Dr. Spencer Reid. He's faced losing so many people in his life that I don't think he could face losing the same person twice. Somehow, of all my former teammates, deceiving him is the hardest to reconcile. No, I didn't quite know what to make of him at first but there is something so pure and innocent about him that you can't help but like him and want to protect him. An innocence that despite everything he has seen, somehow has never faded. ~ _She thought of the secret he had confided in her. ~_Are those headaches a sign of something seriously wrong? Has he told anyone else about them yet? He's right, the others would worry and want to protect him but he shouldn't be carrying that burden alone. I so wish that I had encouraged him to confide in the others. Tried to convince him to accept the support of the others. Now there isn't anything I can do to help him.~_

Her team. Every one of them was like family to her. As she thought about what her life had become, four words came to mind. _~I need you now.~ _However, for now that couldn't be. For their safety and her own, as much as she needed them, she knew that she couldn't go back to them. _~They're Emily Prentiss' family. Rachel Martin doesn't even know them.~_

The city of Rome stretched out before her, and she had never felt so alone.


End file.
